Edge Of Insanity

The edge between insanity and divinity. This is the best way to describe my entire life. I’ve been suppressing myself since I was 8 years old. Since the first time I realized my lens of the world was way different from the kids at school. Wise beyond my years, meditating with the trees, and waving to the spirits passing by. Playing Barbies with the old man that lived in my closet turned into a fear of the monsters in the closet. The innocence of connecting to the different layers of the world became a direct threat to my social survival within it. 

The edge has looked different throughout the years. Some periods it’s been easier to balance on the edge than others. As a teenager I spent most of my time drinking myself into oblivion, escaping the pain of my family. Only to find myself stepping into other lives completely. Getting drunk and knowing other places, other names, other pains, other experiences. There was a period when I literally had one foot in this life and another foot in an entirely different one. Her demons were mine, my own demons were mine. I felt crushed under both worlds. 

After running through my neighborhood drunk in the middle of the night ‘escaping’ someone who didn’t exist in this timeline, I buried this too. Just like the experiences as a child, it disappeared to the background of my mind. A figment pushed behind the activity of life. I went on with life, stepping into adulthood and having relatively no out of the world experiences.

As I approached 20, I was in the first year of marriage, and the worlds began to rub up against me again. Living in the Irish countryside, the forests and fields were alive with prying eyes, and creatures running through the trees. I was terrified to be in the forest alone, I was positive there was something in there that stole people away. Beings started to appear around me, faces pushing through the air. I started having sleep paralysis, with these little beings holding me down and preparing me for some giant devil.

This is when I started looking into explanations. I returned to exploring witchcraft, and occult ideas for the first time since my early dabbles around 11. I felt like I was being called to something that I couldn’t explain, like something was coming for me. This opening was paired with depression from being marooned for long days alone in the countryside. My husbands family pressed down for me to go to the doctor. I took some pills, regained stability, and started life again separated from my husband.

Again I was a ‘normal’ girl in her twenties. My only connections to spirit were my long rants about the universe giving us whatever we want. I was adamant and obsessed with this FACT, and would tell anyone who listened lolol.

At 23, the lines began to blur in a major way. At that point I was using drugs daily, so I told myself it was lingering affects in my system. The air began to come alive, the dull static in the sky was giving way to moving parts and a constant pulsing. Around this same time I reconnected to the catalyst of my life on this path. He was a pimp with a vision inspired by The Codex Gigas which he referred to intently as the Devil’s bible…He spoke to me of other lives together, and our experience being intertwined. I remember nodding my head pleasantly as he told me it was inevitable for us to be connected, thinking in my head how fucking crazy he was.

I would later find out, years later. Maybe not so crazy. The trauma I experienced with him shook me open. The last semblance of balance on that edge I had, faltered for good. I was blowing in the winds between time. Between worlds. voices whispered to me, speaking rituals of separation from him. Telling me what to do to get away. I remember being alone in my kitchen and being guided to boil something, and speak these words before I cut it in half. I don’t even remember what it was…An egg? I do remember the entire time I sweared at myself for losing my mind. Now I’m a witch huh?

When I got away from him, I started sitting in meditation like I hadn’t done since I was a child. I needed it.The opening was slow at first. Meditating randomly, momentary tremors in reality. Being drawn to quantum mechanics, and metaphysical books. My knowing little girl slowly opening her eyes. It was light, and slow until it wasn’t. I started to get sick, I felt weak and tired, I had huge welts up my back. My tests were coming back negative, I was totally healthy. Then my mind broke.

The spirits that pushed up against me all those years ago in Ireland, were now pushing through me. I became a recluse. At the beginning I stayed in my house watching netflix with my blinds closed. Googling vampires, possession, and schizophrenia. I was either possessed or going fucking crazy. It wasn’t looking good. Then I started going into meditative states for hours at a time. I would close my eyes, and take journeys with people in different places telling me things to do and teaching me prayers and words from languages I never heard.

I was guided to shamanism, and found a local shamanic practitioner who helped me begin to heal the trauma of my life. Healing with her opened up an entire world with names for things I was experiencing. I remember learning about spiritual awakening and I was so angry that my life was being shaken apart. I was so clear on my life at that point.

I moved to LA to become an actress, I wanted to be rich and famous. To fuck powerful wealthy men, drip in designers, and be known and envied by everyone. I wasn’t going anywhere muttering to the voices in my head. I’ve been dancing through this resentment on and off throughout my journey. Not about the fame, but searching for a rhyme or reason. My mind wanting a point or a destination with a valid point and explanation.

In the beginning I followed the new age spiritual path and found a new normal. I found an entire world to reshape myself within. Not once did I think of just being purely myself, I balanced myself on an edge again. Suppressing my full connection, and contorting my experience to fit the guise of love and light. I’ve been walking different versions of this balancing for the last 4 years. Repackaging my medicine over and over again to fit into what I deem as acceptable spirituality. Only speaking on the aspects of the worlds as I see has already been spoken and accepted.

This month I’ve spent my time in a visionary sickness. Breaking down into another layer of fear of my connection, really behind this is a belief that I’m not safe in my power. So many layers of fear of my power. Pressing into the other lives being lived in fear, being hunted and caught by faces I know in different positions in this reality. Seeing the pattern in this life of literally pushing my power into the hands of men to hold, and keep me from losing control. As long as I’m not holding my power, I’m safe.

It’s funny because I hand it to them, and then hate them for it. I get unhappy, and feel trapped then run. I run, and never meet the seed of the cycle. This has been a difficult time for me, I’ve been torn apart on every level. I was planning to run again, to reinstate myself in a direction that isn’t for me anymore, I didn’t even realize it. Every direction closed itself off to me, everything came to a standstill & I’ve been forced to sit and allow myself to blaze in the fires. My body is tired, my energy is tired. I feel emptied out.

This month I’ve learned that there is so much I don’t understand about my path, there is so much that doesn’t warrant description. It is ever-present whether I have a name for it or not. I’ve discovered a peace in what I am, and my experience of the worlds. The roots of the peace come from a surrender of any grasping for explanation. I’ve spent my entire life suppressing myself, so afraid I’m crazy, afraid I’m creepy. So many things that underneath any fingers I could point outside was my own fear of myself. I was at the roots of it all. Not accepting myself, holding myself in a straight jacket in the deepest recesses of my mind. 

I’m standing in the ashes of a structure I’ve spent lifetimes building, and find myself in a place with no reason or explanation. The only thing I know for sure is I have no idea. I can say that the edge has dissolved to a small bump whispering memories of a balancing act I never perfected. When my big opening happened I was 24, which is within the age frame of the onset of schizophrenia. I’ve spent the last 4 years with one foot on a path of spirituality and another in full fear that I just need to accept that I have a mental problem. I’ve struggled, and broken down so many times. Clenching down in fear each time another layer opens up in me. Each layer a threat to my security, so afraid that I would be forgotten and end up living under a bridge. These weeks have awakened a deep seat of realization that the only separation between insanity and divinity is my own fear.

My path, my way in the world makes no rational sense. My experience and identity is multi dimensional, my feet step across many worlds and existences. I live in a world where the dead never die, and God speaks in each moment through each thing through which life force flows. I am ever curled with my twin in my pod in the great void, with the light of creation shinning into the great expanse. Yet so fully on my family’s ship floating in stasis with my consciousness projected through the gateways across the timelines of this paradigm. Equally I’m sitting with my legs crossed across the fabric of my dining room chair in an apartment in New Orleans, reclaiming myself. Layer, by layer. I remember, or I imagine. The line left when my fever eased.

What does this make me? It makes me a child of Creation. It makes me alive, existing and thriving. 

It feels so good to allow another layer of illusion to slough off and dissolve into the body of the earth. To let go of the weight of fear, and the endless drain on my system as I bob and weave and hide myself. It’s so healing to write this, to unveil another aspect of myself. To allow more of me to the table.

We’re so much more vast than we could ever imagine. The moment ‘Now’ is a convergence of universes, times, and worlds beyond our wildest dreams. We are eternal beautiful projections of the one self. We are all expressions of divinity living in a world designed to suppress our heavenly heritage. I call for all of us to begin to step into a personal revolution and discover what you truly are.

Thank you 

Marisha An

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