A Good Death

Hello beautiful ecstatic family! 

How was your Chanukah, Solstice, Christmas, anything else!? 

This year has been a wild ride.

It feels like just yesterday I was swaying my curves on the dance floor, ringing in New Years Eve 18’.

& now we are on the edge of yet another gregorian calendar year. Yes I said it! lol…

Reflecting on where I was last year feels like a distant dream. I was living in Biloxi, MS. Fucking miserable, lost and confused. I felt my purpose in my bones and was completely ashamed of it’s sexual nature. I was in a chapter of relating with my husband that was painful to say the least.

The last 12 months has been spent diving deep to uncover, release and renew myself in a way I couldn’t have ever imagined. I have dared to continue to step into the deep end, to continue forward, to take the path down into the farthest depths and counting.

What I’ve found is as a rare gem infused with ever unfolding creative force, that continues to rebirth each waking day. Each day I dare to say yes to the parts of myself that I have previously sought to cage. To say yes to the direction that is being called from the very roots of my heart and soul. To surrender layer by layer into the unknown of living a spirit led life.

What does that really mean though?

To live a spirit led life. 

To me it means following the impulses, desires, and inspirations that flow from that place deep within you. The visions that naturally come through each and every one of us, though so often are thrown to the recesses and labelled unrealistic. They are labelled unsafe, just dreams as we continue to clock into the society led life that we inherit as soon as they shove us into the education factory.

I’m not talking about just throwing all of your responsibilities to the wind and buying a house boat in Guatemala with $50 in your pocket, and no plan…Or am I? I mean who am I to stomp your dreams! 

Though what I’m leaning more towards is slowly introducing yourself to what it is you desire. Starting by not shoving them down and giving them unforgiving labels. Rather dialoging with what it is that your very nature is dancing alive within you.

Taking a step further and asking yourself 

“How can I weave just a small sliver of this deep desire into my life, NOW?” 

Taking one step at a time. Allowing the desire to come alive in all of it’s raw expression. As you allow it to have a space, however small within your current life experience. Something magnificent happens, it begins to refine. It begins to clarify, like the rare one of a kind gem that it is. You develop a bond with your desire center, empowering your spirit to have a seat at the table. To enliven your form, and if you take a little leap of faith it may even enliven your entire life. 

This is the road I recommend to you. To slowly make space for your desires, your visions, and passions. I have not ever practiced this slow and easy road. My practice has always been head first into hell to make friends…and sometimes some writhing lovin with my demons.  

There has always been a knowing within me that the divine things are guiding me. So I have definitely stretched this knowing to the edges, and continue to find new edges. There is something about coming to the breaking point, the edge, and meeting a good death. It knocks the lights on, it renews their glow, and brings with it a new hue to the landscape that awakens a new sense in your being. Though this is my deepest desire, to dive into and be completely devoured by the divine in this form. To uncover all of the programming passed down generationally and systematically from the moment we are born in each lifetime. To peel back all of the layers holding me from walking with each step as a ceremonial dedication and expression of the divine, the elements, and Creator. My happy place over the last 4 years has been in the depths questioning, crumbling, and realigning. Know though that the road can definitely be way more simple and integrated into your current life with daily empowered action in the direction of each layer of your desires.

As this year comes to a close, I’m feeling a quickening. A simultaneous ending and rebirthing edging across the horizon. This ending spans further than the last 4 years, it’s roots date all the way back to 2012. The last time my entire life shifted into the unknown, the last time I hand crafted my life. This is all coming through as I write this. I love how that works. When you just get it all out of you, and little snippets of realization click into place!

 In 2012 I woke up one morning and knew I had to leave my first husband of 4 years (Do I have a 4 year thing?) Any who…I left Ireland and moved to Chicago to live with a friend who I hadn’t seen in years. I had no plan, one luggage bag and $800 to my name. What I did have was this ignited will and knowing of the direction that I didn’t know I was going. 

Follow me?  

This period keeps popping up into the background. In the quickening of the last couple of months I feel as if some cosmic force is preparing me to go to battle, or start the show. I have been cycling through the darkest night, my deepest fears, insecurities, and self limitations. Downloading completely new frameworks in which I am going to be operating. All with this sign post placed on the spiring equinox. An inner alarm set to sound as the spiring begins to blossom.

I am learning to surrender into the beatitude of the process, the season, the chapter itself. Rather than flail around as the impending shift lands. By I am learning to surrender…meaning I now watch myself flail and try to soothe myself into relaxation…Yes it’s a work in process. I literally energetically clench until my body gets sick. The clenchy part of me is always positive that this time if we surrender it will mean the death of me…Which it isn’t far off. So in proper form my muscles are aching, my body is tired and lethargic, and I could sleep for a century. I took myself for a massage and energy work session last night, and cried endlessly as the energy worked through me. My roots not wanting to let go of the familiar, as we step again into another volume of the Marsha experience.

It’s a journey as they say!

I’m going to wrap up with a message of love to you along your own journey. Letting you know you are not the only one, you are not alone. No matter what titles we have picked up along the way, no matter what you have named your unfolding story, you are walking and awakening alongside an entire collective of beings. All of us stretching out of our own cocoons along the many branches of the great life tree. All of us with our special snippets and stories of Creation and the divine elements that guide it. Let this coming solstice wrap you in the creative void and guide you into the magic that is inherent within you. 

Cause we need what you are carrying, we are all craving for it & it is soo welcome.

Thats all for now loves. 

I fucking love you endlessly, and look forward to connecting with you in whatever capacity find us united. 

Marisha An

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