Birth Pains & Contractions

We’ve entered into autumn. The time of harvest, of the reaping. This shift in seasons has brought a mass crumbling. I want to say a death, but that’s not complete. The crumbing was the water breaking, the water emptying out of the cocoon. Leaving me in this empty dark space that had once been my refuge. The flesh that was previously suspended in eternal vitality, now beginning to grab a stench. My surrounding became sticky, and unbearable. I suddenly saw the environment that I had been creating comfort. Realizing that it was time for me to go. To even say it was, as if it’s over. I let myself be slid from the womb, though I’ve now camped myself out in the birth canal. I’m grasping on to the walls of the canal. Partly consumed in the darkness, and partly gaining sight as my vision adjusts. I could make myself comfortable in this dark space. Though every little while a pulse comes, a type of jolt pushing me each time a little closer to this type of imposing glow. I don’t know what the fuck it is, it’s in such stark contrast to the surroundings of the canal.

Will the glow burn me alive?

What if it is a ledge off of some high rising mountain and I fall to my death.

I can’t know, so I dig my fingers in deeper. To be sure the next surge doesn’t get me any closer to this monster of a glow.

I have know more to say now. This is where I am right now. I can’t tell you how the story ends. It’s in progress, to be continued. What I can continue with is a story. A going back in time, to the previous season. As this last spring shifted into summer, I decided to take a sabbatical. I put all of my things into a closet, and when where the wind carried me. These were the first tremors of what autumn would soon bring. I felt something changing. The things I used to desire, the ways I used to handle myself, my previous method of working…all began to flake away. My system giving me hard no’s, and sending me whispers of where I should go. I spent the summer in deep trust and companionship with spirit, with my spirit. Learning my medicine, learning how I connect, learning the care that I require to thrive, really tuning in to what now?

I followed spirit from Phoenix AZ where I was able to mend long held wounds with a life long sister. To Ireland with $500 in my pocket to meet another sister, leading to more kindred spirits, and divine reflections. Ireland holding my first marriage, my first love, and deeply rooted patterns with men. Finally landing in New York with intricate plans, that were soon dashed as I found myself on a flight back home to Minnesota. Where I stayed with my family for two months. Experiencing the deepest connection, and integration with my family wounds, my mother wounds, my black sheep wounds. In the middle on Minnesota, I made my way to Chicago with the intent to see a dear friend’s baby. I saw the beautiful angel, but intertwined with this was a life altering closure. A closing of a circle that had been a source of ongoing pain and turmoil in myself. Sister wounds, my attachment to an old identity, and entering this city empowered when I had left it carrying so much fear.

This summer was a time of completion on so many levels. There was a clearing out, and changing of lanes. Though what does this mean. I came back to New Orleans at the end of my sabbatical, clinging to one last piece. Clinging to my patterns of confusion, of tail spinning between safety & comfort to unbound faith & union. Mmmm, unbound faith & union. It sounds so delicious, but in practice that shit is scary!

Am I in my right mind?

There’s a reason for safety & comfort isn’t there?

How do I know the ‘right’ thing the ‘right’ way?

I need to maintain control.

All of these sentiments that are so valid in my system, calling me to stay in what I know. Hell can be comfortable. We get to know the routine in hell, torture at this time, burning hellfire at this time, followed by decapitation and dismemberment at this time. I know. I know what to expect, I know I will be put back together and my flesh will be mended for the cycle to start again.

Unbound faith & union?

I have no fucking idea. I think things usually fall into place, I think I have great support. Though to REALLY surrender into this place. I am having unbound faith & union with that which is undefinable, the subtle space of being. Walking down a path lit by the formation of the stars, and the whispers in the north. The man that said that thing that tells me to ascend the stairs at dawn. The wind that blows just right so I remember that thing that inspires a meeting that turns into a paying client, and so on. Surrendering into life as an explorer, as a walking artist walking through the masterpiece. Of projecting vision into reality and making love with the Gods.

What next?

We only have now.

I’ve gone through seasons living in this place, of wealth pouring from all directions in all senses of the word. Of amazing synchronicity, and an endless fount of inspiration. Life a dream. Though I have continually sealed up the gateway. Barricading myself in with relationships that name me crazy and fantastical, with family members that just wish I would make sense of my life, with societal ideas of what I should be, what the right thing is, with ideas that a safety net is the proper thing. Fuck safety nets, the word is constraining.

Why can’t divine inspiration and flow be our safety net?

In this shift, this grasping at the birth canal. I am at war with myself. A piece of me is longing to let go, feeling the ecstasy flowing up calling for my fingers to just go limp. Another piece is adamantly in a ‘Fuck No’ state. A what if state, a what if not state. A need for control state, any semblance of control. The piece that feels the beauty in the glow is bringing deep realization in personal relationship with myself, with my magic, and my relationship to this flow state. This union state. Realizing the illusion in lack, in the flow now being sustainable. The flow is always, it doesn’t ever stop or halt. Our relationship to it shifts. The flow reflecting our self in relation to the universal current. Constantly in flux. If our relationship shifts to fear and disbelief, the current reflects our fear and disbelief. The flow has no definition, no angle, no pre meditation. It just is, flowing, and showing, Now.

In the part of me grasping, I have realized that I have a deep fear of ease. I have so much around owning my privilege of ease. I have always been gifted with alignment with the current. When I am in disharmony the current always provides exactly what I need, I haven’t even wanted for anything. When I am in harmony, The current showers me with the desires I didn’t even realize I desired. I am the trust fund child of the greatest frequency of Creator. Muhahahaha! Lol.

There is a desire to hide here. To stay in the mucky waters and only show my muck. Look at me I’m in the deep end, swimming through my mud. I almost drowned, I’m working so hard. This arm band of hard self work, as a source of worth. Who am I showing?

Are they worth the huge bookmark that I’m putting in my unfolding novel…Let’s not say bookmark, lets say boring chapter.

I have so many ingrained habits of dulling my shine so I don’t make people uncomfortable, so someone else can have the spotlight, to show I’m nice. So many things, for what?

I’m not serving anyone with my light on dim.

So I continue. Holding these pieces in their tug of war. Stepping into the blossoming, and diving into the contractions. Singing songs for them to begin to touch fingertips & lock eyes. To come together so there is neither grasping or reaching in either direction. Rather a release, a laying into the pulses carrying this new birth into the glow of a new day. A new season. A new age of self.

I would love to hear your experiences of shifting seasons in your own life?

Are there places you are dulling your light, the full expression of your essence?

Until next time…

With Love,

Marisha An

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