I’m going through a rocky time in my marriage. The foundations have been blown from beneath what I always assumed was a forever partner. A forever family member. A forever friend. In the midst of this my husband sent me a long message stating that he feels like I’m not afraid of anything. He is regularly over taken by fear, and when I experience fear I jump into the flames. Now he’s using this as an excuse for his actions, but it drove something home for me. It inspired a deep knowing of strength within me.
I’m in a time of change. Everything that I thought I knew has been stripped away. My habits are shifting, my environment is shifting. Across the board, shit is in flux. In the center of all of this is my way of showing up in the world. It is being called to question. Who am I, how am I, and why do I hide this from the world?
Because I do.
This is my biggest fear. Being seen as myself in the world.
The way I see it is that if people don’t like my mask, it hurts way less than if people don’t like ME.
Where my relationship differs with fear, is that I walk forward anyways. I call out to my fear and ask it to show itself to me.
I’m not alive to be IN fear. That isn’t my purpose, & if your reading this and sincerely wondering if it is your purpose. I can tell you it isn’t! It can feel like it sometimes when we are so bogged down in our own shit.
I get it.
& let me not proclaim what your purpose is or isn’t maybe it is. If you desire it to be.
But stick with me. Enter into a little shift of lenses. A shift from being IN fear, to being WITH fear.
From drowning, and flailing, and toppling over IN fear.
To coming into a presence with the fear.
It doesn’t mean you’re not going to flail and tip over. I believe that this part is needed, if we always keep balanced how do we learn how to stand?
This is my masochistic mindset to healing. Life is boring if we don’t tip over once in a while.
Anyways! How the fuck do I shift to being WITH my fear?!
So often when we are in fear, we clench our eyes closed, we hide under the proverbial bed, put our heads in the sand or under the covers. We get sensory overload from the intense sensation, everything goes topsy turvy, and we shut down. We go into a type of out of body survival mode. We beg, borrow, and steal. Fight, and flight. Trying to reach for air.
Imagine if being with your fear, you open your eyes just a little. Taking a look around at the landscape. Looking around at yourself in the fear, looking at the reaction in the environment. Then you step with the fear a little further. You begin to feel the sensations arising in your body, tuning into the reaction of fear within you and around you.
Not even trying to regain balance at this point.
Just tuning into your senses in the state of fear. Becoming present to yourself existing in this state.
Now adding your breath. Breathing deeply into your body, into your senses. Slowly riding your breath as it flows in and out of your body. Getting real kinky with your senses at this point. Now if you’re processing this on your own, you can begin to move with your fear. Dancing with what is coming up for you.
I find that moving my feet, and my hips first. Working my movement up my body, and back down again. Really helps me root into myself. Marrying your breath with your movement. Really slowing your system down.
This is where it gets good. This is where you begin to dialogue with the fear. Continuing to breath, and dance with the fear. You now shift gears into sound. By sound I mean whatever is on the edge ready to be released. That urge to scream finally being allowed to come out, that light sigh, the sensation to cry, even laughter!
Using your breath, and your movement to tune into what is calling to be spoken. This speech is the body’s language, the fear speaking through your very cells. What it has been aching to tell you, longing for you to hear, to listen. All in the name of protecting you from what it sees as potential death! Death by rejection, death by abandonment, death by …well death comes in many forms.
“In saying that, if you are in danger of physical harm, or existing in an abuse situation. This is the time to reach out for support, not the time to sit alone in your bedroom learning yet another technique to continue gritting through it. All that power you are using to stay, and let me tell you that is A LOT of power. Can be better allocated to getting out. It’s so easy to type the solution, but I have been there. Believe me when I say that you are carrying an undying power that can lift you up, and out to heights beyond your greatest fantasies.”
With all the death talk, I really want to make it clear. That so often fear is seen as this pesky hindrance to moving in the direction we want to go. I know it is so annoying to be caught in fear, but really it is our protection. Our security system stepping in, and sounding the alarm. For what it sees as our greatest good.
In this space of breath, dance, and sounding of your fear response. You can now return to the breath. With long inhales and exhales, calming the system. Looking around at your environment, and showing your system where there is safety. Perhaps you show yourself the exit, you draw attention to people that will support you. I like to draw attention to the fact that I will not burst into flames. It seems to be my subconscious’ greatest demise. So every time I step out in my authentic self and don’t burn, it’s a win!
If you are stepping through fear in public place, you can replace the dancing with self soothing. I like to caress my hands, or my arms. Really reminding myself that I am right here in the present, and I got this! Another great subtle movement is stretching. If you can shake your body out without seeming like a lunatic and triggering another fear spiral….lol…Do it! Lastly sighing is so powerful as a public sounding. Or mmm hmmm, uh huh. You can hide them in plain sight, while you take deep breaths and sound. Creating the same release in the system.
These simple tools are really giving you the power to suspend yourself in time. To peer behind the curtain of the mechanisms that are playing out largely from the subconscious. We are completely capable of caring for ourselves, honoring ourselves, and really giving our system what it needs. Just by slowing down, and tuning in. You deserve to be seen, to be held, to have all the space in the world. Gift yourself!
We’re in this together! You aren’t the only one tripping, and tipping over like a drunk unicorn through life. We all are, and don’t let the shiny IG feeds have you believe anything to the contrary my love.
The magical difference comes in stepping up anyways, showing up anyways, being exactly where you are now. Honoring that. You came here to be human, get messy, and make love with the mess!
Want more tips and tricks to self love and self care?
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